Monthly Archives: October 2012

Dead Snowman to Be Cryogenically Frozen

Burlington, VT- Joey Brandall built his snowman only two weeks prior to finding his icy companion laying in a heap of slush on his front yard. “The best snowman I’ve ever known passed before his time; he didn’t even make … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

Romney/ Ryan pledge to end Halloween handouts

PHILADELPHIA – In an effort to balance his district’s budget, U.S. Congressman Paul Ryan has introduced unconventional cuts for Wisconsinites this Halloween. “It shouldn’t be a social convention that people can come to my house on October 31st in costume … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

8th Grader on Field Trip Draws Penis on World’s Oldest Cave Painting

During a school trip to the Chauvet Cave in southern France, student Eliot Ratray improved on a 35,000-year-old depiction of a buffalo by drawing a big old dong on it. “My friend Ian dared me to draw a wiener so … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

NASA Begins Unemployment Office Exploration

HOUSTON – After a massive budget cut, NASA has begun exploring local unemployment offices near mission control in its new program dubbed “Near Space Exploration.” It took 3 years and $400 million to prepare astronauts and construct a shuttle able … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

Area Helicopter Wants to be Airplane

BAGRAM AIRFIELD, AFGHANISTAN – After another successful mission last Tuesday by a formation of F-22 Eagle fighter jets in the Parwan province, sources report that at least one UH-1N Twin Huey helicopter felt pangs of jealousy and an overwhelming desire … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

Roommate Really Wants it to be Sweater Weather

Local UT sophomore Jesse Goodman claims his roommate, Chad Frost, really wants it to be “sweater weather” but doesn’t hesitate to show it. Even on days when temperatures are in the 90’s, Frost is often seen wearing an argyle over … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

UT Security to Homeless: “The Turtle Pond is Not a Buffet”’

In response to the many recent turtle robberies committed by the local homeless community, University of Texas officials have started a campaign to stop the indigent robbers from procuring food illegally from the campus’ turtle pond. “We understand that turtle … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

Volleyball Team Ovulating

AUSTIN- After spending two straight weeks at an all-girls training camp, The University of Texas volleyball team is ovulating. Their mass release of eggs comes at an opportune time for the team, which is now entering a tough stretch of … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

“Don’t swallow any coins while I’m gone”

Listen kids, nobody loves you more than I do. I’m your mother and you guys are my number one priority. I think that has been proven by all that I’ve done for you. Everything you’ve ever wanted I have gotten … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment

Old superhero is kinda racist

By: Barsoom: Warlord of Mars I understand that it’s not typically the super villain’s place to make moral judgments, but there has been an issue weighing on my conscience for quite some time now: does Captain Confederate really have to … Continue reading

Posted in October 2012 issue | Leave a comment