Local Freshman is Doctoral Candidate by Credit Hours

AUSTIN — In a statement released last Wednesday during a wing meeting at the Jester East Dormitory, incoming University of Texas student Brian Solomon informed spectators that he was not a freshman. “Uh… Hi everyone, I’m Brian,” Solomon said pushing up his glasses. “I’m from Katy, Texas. I’m a History major. What else…? Oh, and I guess this is my first-year at UT, but I’m Ph.D. student by credit hours.” Solomon’s class status is largely a result of a ridiculous number of IB and AP credit from high school. Eyewitness reports claim that local spectators were not impressed by Solomon’s qualifications. “Seriously, is this shit almost done yet?” Ryan Baker, freshman, said, briefly looking up from his phone. Preliminary reports indicate that Solomon will be pursuing his doctorate in “overachieving, and generally being that dick in class that nobody likes.”

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