Anderson Cooper Leading Sex Fantasy of Girls Who Don’t Understand Sexuality

WASHINGTON – According to a poll released Wednesday, Anderson Cooper has come out as the leading sex fantasy of girls who don’t understand sexuality, making the openly gay news anchor one of the most irrational sexual catalysts in the country. In the poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, Cooper led among demographics other than senior women that believed homosexuality is a product of not having enough fiber. “Across the board, women of all ages who don’t understand sexual preference were far more likely to choose Cooper over any other candidate,” said Simon Hastings, statistician at the University of Maryland and gay enthusiast. “In fact, they were the largest supporters of Cooper amongst all demographics, even more than straight men that do understand sexuality.” Cooper’s popularity has been steadily rising over the past few years, due in large part to the success of his show AC360 on CNN and regularly being retweeted by The View’s Joy Behar. “He’s a damn fine looking man,” said pollster Eve Plumb. “Hell, sometimes I wish I didn’t know as much as I do about sexuality. I’d take him to my loft, pop a couple Ambien, and spread my legs like warm butter on a hot biscuit. Also, he’s a very competent newsman,That probably accounts for much of the appeal.” Cooper’s boyfriend, Ben Maisani, has been hesitant about commenting on the findings of the poll, only choosing to give a brief statement to reporters outside of his home in the West Village. “What other people think about while having sex is none of my business,” said Maisani. “I’m just happy that middle-aged housewives and Mormons can agree with me that there is no one in the world they would rather get plowed by than the love of my life.” Cooper was not the only confusing fantasy for sexuality-challenged women. Other notable gay celebrities made the list as well, such as Neil Patrick Harris, Harvey Milk, and Elmo. “Women just can’t seem to get enough of gay celebrities these days,” said celebrity blogger Perez Hilton. “Before you know it, we will be voting for our first gay president. You know, other than Kennedy.” A follow-up poll released by Pew indicated that, of the women confused by sexuality fantasizing about Cooper, 75% would prefer if Rachel Maddow watched, but did not participate in, their love-making.

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