Category Archives: November 2012 issue

Best of Campus

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Little Seizures Crazy Bread

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Mayan Calendar

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Area Man’s Penis Caught in Hand Dryer

JACKSONVILLE – In a scene described as both “grotesque” and “kind of funny” by witnesses, paramedics were once again forced to exhume local resident Rick Diddleson’s penis from a hand dryer. An avid fan of both the Jacksonville Jaguars and … Continue reading

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Anderson Cooper Leading Sex Fantasy of Girls Who Don’t Understand Sexuality

WASHINGTON – According to a poll released Wednesday, Anderson Cooper has come out as the leading sex fantasy of girls who don’t understand sexuality, making the openly gay news anchor one of the most irrational sexual catalysts in the country. … Continue reading

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Girlfriend comforted by the ethnic diversity in boyfriend’s porn collection

PHILADELPHIA – After finding a duffel bag full of racially diverse adult DVDs in the closet of her boyfriend, James Crowe, local girlfriend Andrea McDougal breathed a sigh of relief for the fact that she isn’t in a relationship with a complete racist. “Some … Continue reading

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Southwest to Increase Emotional Baggage Fees

DALLAS – Just in time for the holiday season, Southwest Airlines is raising prices for customers traveling with emotional baggage. “While Southwest remains dedicated to providing the same convenient, affordable travel experience that we’ve always been known for,” said Natasha … Continue reading

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I Just Want to Meet That Special Girl I Can Bring Home to My Wife by Bernie Scranton

MILWAUKEE – I don’t know if it is just because of these crazy times we’re living in, but picking up women is a lot harder for me than it used to be, especially as a married man. It’s been a … Continue reading

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Study: Mitch Totally Still Free for Friday Night

According to a study conducted by the Center for Those Without Definite Plans Yet, Mitch is assuredly still available this Friday night. The study was taken from a population sample of one and has been ongoing for several months. Remarkably, … Continue reading

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Jaw Surgery Fails to Fix Tony’s Stupid Smile

After a particularly tubular wakeboarding accident, revolutionary jaw surgery fails to fix Tony’s stupid smile. “We’re all glad that he’s able to eat solid foods again,” said Tony’s mother, “but we wish the team of doctors could have made Tony … Continue reading

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