Horrorscopes

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UGH 301 Syllabus

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Eh?CL

Posted in September 2012 issue | Comments Off

Newspaper rejects obituary for not having enough job experience

AUSTIN – After receiving an application for a position within the Austin Chronicle’s obituary section from recently deceased Mildred Stockton, the newspaper swiftly rejected it stating that more experience was necessary to be considered. “It’s not that we don’t value the obituary and the individualized strengths it would bring to our newspaper,” editor Jessica Craig stated. “It’s just that, in an economy like this, we’re seeking someone with a little more practice. It’s only been in the game for 12 hours now. That’s pretty much nothing.” The obituary accepted the editor’s decision stating that it takes a lot of connections to make it in this business and she was kind of a loser anyway.

Posted in September 2012 issue | Comments Off

Local Freshman is Doctoral Candidate by Credit Hours

AUSTIN — In a statement released last Wednesday during a wing meeting at the Jester East Dormitory, incoming University of Texas student Brian Solomon informed spectators that he was not a freshman. “Uh… Hi everyone, I’m Brian,” Solomon said pushing up his glasses. “I’m from Katy, Texas. I’m a History major. What else…? Oh, and I guess this is my first-year at UT, but I’m Ph.D. student by credit hours.” Solomon’s class status is largely a result of a ridiculous number of IB and AP credit from high school. Eyewitness reports claim that local spectators were not impressed by Solomon’s qualifications. “Seriously, is this shit almost done yet?” Ryan Baker, freshman, said, briefly looking up from his phone. Preliminary reports indicate that Solomon will be pursuing his doctorate in “overachieving, and generally being that dick in class that nobody likes.”

Posted in September 2012 issue | Comments Off

Underground Prostitution Ring Leads To Dirt-Covered, Nutrient-Deficient Prostitutes

BOISE, ID – After receiving an anonymous phone tip last week, Boise officials busted an underground prostitution ring in the south side of Boise. Seventeen women, many suffering from health issues due to lack of sunlight and oxygen, were taken into custody Sunday night.
“It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” recalled Boise Police Chief Chet Wasserstrom. “I’ve seen hookers and I’ve seen tunnels, but I’ve never seen them together. They created an entire city of subterranean sex trafficking like a bunch of dadgum entrepreneurial sex gophers.”
The illegal activity, according to police investigation, has been going on for over two years now. “I can’t believe this was going on right underneath my nose. Not just my nose – it was right underneath my feet,” said Wasserstrom.
Immediately following the discovery of the brothel, all seventeen women were incarcerated and given medical examinations, which indicated that some of them had not been in direct sunlight since the winter of 2010. Doctors are currently treating the accused women for syphilis, oxygen deficiency, malnutrition, gout, and strep throat. While they are all in stable condition, many of the women are still picking pieces of earthen material out of various orifices.
Despite facing legal charges, some of the accused women are enjoying life in confinement.
“Are you kidding [cough], this place is great [cough],” groaned Oregano, a 23-year old college dropout, through a plexiglass wall and telephone at the Idaho State Penitentiary. “I get to go [cough] outside, stare into [cough] the sun, eat food that isn’t a bag of [cough] peanuts stolen from a client’s [cough] pocket while he’s blindfolded. I love it here in pri–[cough] son. I could get used to this.”
Oregano was one of countless young women employed by a man referred to as “The Chief,” who moved to Boise to start a new life following his separate public indecency arrests in Nevada and South Dakota.
“Hey, you guys should thank me, right? I provide a service. Dirty babes. Dirty babes all throughout the subsoil,” Erikson told three police officers as they escorted him out of his underground empire in handcuffs. “Any schmo can sell babes above ground. But what’s natural about that, right? Sex is carnal, it’s dirty, it’s earthy. You boys know what I’m talking about.”
This discovery has made the Boise Police Department extra vigilant in hopes of preventing other calamities of this nature.
“You’ve got to get inside the head of your enemy,” explained Officer Wasserstrom as he blew cigar smoke into the midnight Idaho air. “Underground has already been done, so now what? Regular buildings? No, that’s stupid. Here’s your answer: space hookers. That’s our next step, preventing prostitution in the stratosphere.”
Boise PD is currently developing programs for prevention of prostitution at such high altitudes but is mainly banking on the fact that neither commerce nor breathing can be sustained above the troposphere.
Not yet ready for a transition into space, there are now seventeen convicts who will, in time, need legal employment. Fortunately for them, several local business owners are stepping up to give the girls a shot.
“I think hiring these gals would be beneficial,” added Wayne Simmons, owner of the Boise Community Greenhouse. “Maybe they sold their bodies, maybe they’re uneducated and morally corrupt, but they definitely know dirt.”

Posted in September 2012 issue | Comments Off

Cover

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Texas Hexes

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Horse Deodorant

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Failed TV Pilots

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